Dear Signor Direttore,

Now I am tella you the story how i was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Palermo as an engineer to Atyrau and stay as a younga
man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see is no shit on my bed. How can I sleep with no shit on my bed?! I call down the
recepcione and tella: "I wanna shit". They tell me "Go to the toilet". I say "No, no I wanna shit in my bed". They say "you betta not
shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". What is a sonnawabitch?!

I go down for ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and two pisses of toast. I get only one pisse of toast. I tella
waitress and pointa to toast - "I wanna piss". She tella me "Go to the toilet". I say "No , no, I wanna piss on my plate". She then say
to me "you bloody fella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". Second person who do not even know me and calle me sonnawabitch!!
What is a sonnawabitch!??

Later I go dinner into ristorante. spoon and knife is laid out but no fock. I tella waitress "I wanna fock" and she tella me " Sure,
everybody wanna fock". I tella her "No, no, you don´t understanda me, I wanna fock on the table". She then tella me " So you
sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get your ass out of here".
So I go to the recepcione and ask for the billa. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When i have pay the billa, the porter say to
me "Thank you, and peace on you". I say "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch". I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your
hotella, you sonnawabitch.

Read and enjoy ....

6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years . . .

********

Dating process:

6 weeks :I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

********

Back from Work:

6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Good cartoon by Ros Asquith from guardian.co.uk. The cartoon illustrates several language points: quiet vs quite, no + noun, tag questions.

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

Some funny english jokes I found some days ago. Here they are :)

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

---------------

Mage: What should I give my girlfriend for unzipping?
Kevin: Ummm. Ten bucks?
Mage: No, I mean like, WinZip?

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Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.
Saul: That's no problem.
Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.

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Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?
Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

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Q: Which travels faster - heat or cold?
A: Heat. You can catch cold.

Americans have a strong taste for slapstick in various forms, and substitute riposte and banter for irony or whimsy, which they tend not to understand.

Because everyone has ancestors, family and friends of every possible race, colour, creed and national origin, and because sensitivity to such differences has reached unprecedented tenderness in recent years, it is considered rude to tell a joke that perpetuates an ethnic, social, religious, sexual, or racial stereotype. Pat and Mike, Rastus and Festus, the drunk priest, the Polish bridegroom, the silly blonde - all are now off-limits, at least in public. That still leaves plenty of material for humour, such as occupation, political persuasion, or region of origin. For example: