Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies,
"Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it?"
The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says:
-    Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood.
The other bat is amazed and says:
-    Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die.
-    Yeah, I know, - says the first bat, - but I'm really starving for it.
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
-    You are lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick? - asked the second bat.
-    You see that tree over there in the distance? - mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

-Yeah, I think I do!
-Well, I didn't.

Some funny english jokes I found some days ago. Here they are :)

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

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Mage: What should I give my girlfriend for unzipping?
Kevin: Ummm. Ten bucks?
Mage: No, I mean like, WinZip?

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Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.
Saul: That's no problem.
Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.

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Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?
Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

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Q: Which travels faster - heat or cold?
A: Heat. You can catch cold.