Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it?" The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says: - Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood. The other bat is amazed and says: - Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die. - Yeah, I know, - says the first bat, - but I'm really starving for it. So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth. - You are lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick? - asked the second bat. - You see that tree over there in the distance? - mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
A man and a woman got married, and he told her : " since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits...and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: on wednesdays i play football with my friends...no matter what..whether it snows or it rains...i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for you?, -husband asks his wife -yes sure, she answers So, the second tradition...on fridays i play poker with my friends, no mater what, i play poker!! -is it clear for you? - he asks - yes, sure, - she answers. The third tradition...on sundays i go fishing, no matter what, i go fishing...whether it snows or it rains...i go fishing!!! - Is it clear for you? - he asks - yes, sure, she answers. -Any objections? -he asks -no, i understand, - his wife answers. - Maybe you have your own traditions ?- he asks. She thought for a while and said: "well, i have, but only one...every night at 10 p.m. i have sex...whether i have my husband beside me, or i dont have ...i dont care..i have sex!!!!
A funny way to learn vocabulary. We have reviewed a list similar to this in the past. Most of these are new. The humor in the following sentences is in the form of "puns" (plays on words). Please try to read these and see if you can see where the 'joke' is. Please ask me about any you cannot understand. I hope they make you laugh.
Наверное, без нее восприятие американской культуры, в частности, юмора, литературы и журналистики было бы неполным и слишком сухим. Писательница, обозреватель и критик, женщина, выдавшая остроты ничуть не хуже любого мужчины, Дороти Паркер – а я говорю именно о ней – создавала такие произведения, которые просто невозможно было не растащить на афоризмы и крылатые словечки. Многие из них употреблялись настолько часто, что люди, цитирующие Паркер, уже даже забывали о том, кто настоящий автор этих слов.
Детство Дороти Паркер (в девичестве Ротшильд) было одним из самых несчастливых и трудных, однако это вовсе не помешало ей завоевать литературную славу и хорошую репутацию в богемных кругах. Творческий расцвет Дороти начался со встреч за круглым столом в ресторане отеля Algonquin – он был местом, где собирались знаменитые литераторы, критики и издатели Нью-Йорка. Паркер по праву считалась одной из самых остроумных завсегдатаев: своим тихим и мелодичным голоском она умудрялась бормотать язвительные замечания, славящиеся своей едкостью и необычайной способностью поражать в самое больное место. Так, об одной, довольно известной в литературных кругах особе, Дороти заметила: That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them (Она говорит на 18 языках и ни на одном из них не способна сказать “Нет”).
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood." The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it." So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth. "You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat. "You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood. "Yeah, I think I do!" "Well, I didn't."
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